He Took Our Pants!
by therubyone
Summary: This 3part story takes place between the scenes & fills in the background of the D&J episode Megan's First Kiss & includes details from that ep, featuring the characters Megan, Cory, Drake, Josh, Walter, Audrey.  Rated:  T  Note:  Implied Slash
1. Chapter 1

HE TOOK OUR PANTS! Part 1 of 3

**Author**: the rubyone

**Word Count:** 4,116

**Rated:** T for Teen / PG implied slash only

**Disclaimer:** Drake and Josh _SO _not owned by me – too bad! I'd share!

**Summary:** Three part fiction that "fills in between the scenes" during the Season 4 episode _**Megan's First Kiss.**_

**Spoilers:** Details from the episode Megan's First Kiss and from the general Drake and Josh universe

**Author's Note**: Part 1 is set in the boys' bedroom, after Cory's visit, during the episode _**Megan's First Kiss**_.

HE TOOK OUR PANTS!

Part 1 of 3

Drake stood in just a red t-shirt, his boxers and socks and ranted to Josh, "I can't believe that Cory kid! What a little jerk! He took our pants!"

"I know," Josh replied, commiserating, and also just in his short-sleeved button-down shirt and blue underwear. "But we can't let Megan find out that we bargained with him to take her back. It would hurt her feelings too much."

"I'm not sure she has any feelings – other than evil ones," Drake muttered, still angry.

Josh moved up to his closet to find another pair of pants. "Come on, Dad said we had to restore the peace around here before Mom comes back from that week-long conference. I'd rather not get any more lectures from him about Megan," hunching his shoulders and making a face, as if retching, "'becoming a woman.'"

Drake sighed and concurred, "I don't want him using any more of my popsicles, either, for anything other than eating. It was bad enough that little devil Cory blackmailed us into giving up your clock and my guitar, but our pants, too?! I don't think he's going to grow into them."

"No, of course not," agreed Josh. "That was just his way of getting back at us, showing his dominance. He probably would have _peed_ on us, if he thought he could get away with it."

"By the way, you snapped your teeth at me, when you were yelling at me to give him my guitar. What was THAT all about?" Drake asked, starting to bristle again.

"I didn't want to argue in front of him," replied Josh, slipping into his blue jeans. "And I wasn't yelling, not any more than you were, when you _strongly urged_ me to give up that clock. I'll have you know that was a present from Mindy."

"You don't think I have any memories associated with my first acoustic guitar?!?!?" Drake answered, pacing and fuming.

"Don't stand there in your underwear, arguing about nothing. It just makes it more humiliating." Josh started to chuckle, "By the way, I don't believe I've seen you in that particular pair of gray plaid boxers before."

"Since I banned you from organizing my underwear drawer," Drake snorted, still trying to keep the upper hand, "you wouldn't have known about these. Aunt Libby gave me these for Christmas."

"Sentimental, are you?" Josh asked, teasingly.

"No," Drake said, in a huff. "I keep them for emergency use only."

Josh sat on his bed and folded his arms. "I thought I was the only one who's ever had an underwear emergency, when I got stuck in the tree, hanging by the elastic waistband."

Turning to face Josh on the level above him, Drake told him, "I know they're ugly, but they're big and baggy and soft. I've been breaking in that new pair of jeans all week, going commando."

"The jeans that look like they were painted on?" interjected Josh.

Drake came up the steps and shut the bedroom door, and then said in a hushed tone, "Yeah. I've developed a pretty bad case of . . . chafing."

Surprised, Josh answered, "I thought overweight people were the only ones familiar with the dreaded chafing."

Drake stepped over in front of Josh and lifted the inner edges of his boxers, revealing two patches of sore-looking red skin on his inner thighs. "It burns like fire."

Sympathetically, Josh responded, "Your special underwear is part of the solution. But you also need to put some petroleum jelly on it. It coats and soothes the skin while it's healing."

"Maybe so," agreed Drake, "but I refuse to touch that stuff. It feels too weird, like alien slime."

After a pause, Josh said, "Oh, I'll do it." He went to his nightstand and pulled a little rectangular-shaped jar from the top drawer. "You know I can't stand by and watch you suffer." Scooping some of the yellow substance into his right hand, he knelt and started to apply it gently to Drake's skin, after Drake pulled up the cloth to provide access and stood patiently looking at the ceiling.

As Drake winced under his touch, Josh kept talking to take Drake's mind off his pain. "Did you know that this stuff was discovered by accident when the first oil wells were drilled in Pennsylvania? It was called 'rod wax.'"

Drake laughed, "That sounds dirty!" He rotated his pelvis and asked, suggestively, "You want to put some on MY rod?"

Josh stood up and lightly pushed Drake away with his left hand. "Megan will be home any minute now. Besides," he continued, as he wiped his other hand off with tissues. "I need to go to the Premiere and pick up my paycheck. Do you want to come with?"

"I'd rather not be walking around right now. It hurts too much. I'll just hang out here and keep my remaining guitars safe from cocky middle school clowns," Drake answered, flopping onto the couch with a pout.

"Suit yourself. Dr. Nichols will check on your progress later," Josh said, pulling on his purple windbreaker and heading out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

HE TOOK OUR PANTS! Part 2 of 3

**Author**: the rubyone

**Word Count:** 4,116

**Rated:** T for Teen / PG implied slash only

**Disclaimer:** Drake and Josh _SO _not owned by me – too bad! I'd share!

**Summary:** Three part fiction that "fills in between the scenes" during the Season 4 episode _**Megan's First Kiss.**_

**Spoilers:** Details from the episode Megan's First Kiss and from the general Drake and Josh universe

**Author's Note**: Part 2, set in the boys' bedroom, after Josh learns that Cory's "steppin' out," during the episode _**Megan's First Kiss**_

HE TOOK OUR PANTS!

Part 2 of 3

"So, what are we going to do about this?" asked Drake, outraged.

"Hmmm," Josh answered, thoughtfully, stroking his chin, "We'll have to find out when Cory sets up his next date with Megan and follow them, the same as last time. Meanwhile, we need to know who that other girl is and see if she'll help us. I think he called her Monica?"

Drake, nodding, hands on hips. "Then we'd better get your laptop and head back down to the Premiere. Someone who's still there might know her identity. And while you're asking the rest of the staff, I can IM all the girls I know who have little sisters."

"Do you feel like going out in public now?" asked Josh.

Drake, who was heading for the door, turned and stopped, "Huh? Oh, the chafing. It's much better, thanks. You'll make a fine doctor someday." With mischief in his eyes, he added, "We might need to work on your bedside manner, though."

Not rising to the bait, Josh said in a bored tone, "Save it for the cover of darkness! I did notice you have pants on again. Ones that are suitably _less_ tight."

Drake replied, "I decided to limit breaking-in-new-jeans to one day a week."

Josh said, "Oh, hang on. That reminds me: here." He handed Drake a bag. "I picked these up at the mall while I was there."

Drake, brightening, in the same manner as when he thought Mrs. Hafer had died. "What? A present for me?"

As Drake opened the bag and pulled out a plastic package, Josh told him, "It's a different style to add to your collection." Noting Drake's quizzical expression, Josh said, "These are boxer briefs. They're the longer ones that hug the thigh but keep it covered. Very comfortable."

Drake took the underwear out of its packaging and held it up to look at. Josh explained, "I bought those for you after I went to the food court and before I stopped at the Premiere. Once I saw that two-timing Cory, I raced back here to tell you." The expression on Josh's face turned to dark rage. "It just makes me furious!"

"I know," concurred Drake. "Now I'm _really_ mad that he took our stuff and our pants." He frowned and added, "Those were my Number Four favorites."

Thoughtfully, Josh answered, "Maybe he has a thing for black denim?"

Drake, fuming, "I wish we could get our stuff and our pants back. Thank God he didn't get the new ones!"

"Well," Josh said sarcastically, "if old Cory hasn't set up a shrine for his middle school pals to come and see how he pwned Megan's brothers, then I'll bet he's done something destructive with them, like cutting holes in them or setting them on fire." He concluded, sadly, "We'll never see those pants again! How could Megan be interested in such a rude deviant?"

In disbelief, Drake replied, "This IS Megan we're talking about. His evil is probably just a bonus. I think Megan's finally revealing a weakness – that she's just like any other girl in that respect: picking looks and style over character."

Looking at him, puzzled, Josh said, "I don't believe what I'm hearing-"

Indignantly, Drake answered, "Hey, I know my subject matter in this area!"

"True that," Josh conceded. "We better get going before Dad or Megan try to stick their noses in our business."

"Roger that. My jacket's downstairs," stated Drake. He once again headed to the door, "Let's do this."

later, as it's getting dark outside

Scene: The boys have returned and are on their bedroom sofa. Drake has stretched out, his feet on Josh's lap. Josh is sitting at one end of the couch. **Celebrities Chasing Ghosts** is on television.

With satisfaction, Drake said, "We did some major detective work today! Everything's all set for tomorrow afternoon. They're meeting at the Premiere for the first showing after school."

Josh sighed, "I hope it pays off. Megan was so excited at dinner when she was telling Dad about Cory calling her and setting up another movie date; it almost broke my heart."

Dismissing Josh's tender feelings, Drake reminded him, "You know that little perv just can't wait for the lights to go down, so he can finish what he started."

Pleading for reason, Josh replied, "Dude, you're going to have to deal with this at some point."

Still upset, Drake snorted, "Thirteen's too young for her to be kissing guys!"

Josh, attempting logic, answered, "I agree that 13 is too young for anybody to become active sexually, but it's not too young for social dating. Hey! Didn't you tell me you were thirteen when you not only had your first kiss, but also lost _your_ virginity?"

Drake replied, "Yes. But that's different. That was with an older girl, not some innocent little 13-year-old!"

"And how old was Daphlene?" inquired Josh.

"Fifteen!" Drake told him. "Mom and Megan and I were on vacation in Vegas. I met her at the hotel swimming pool." He drifted off into his memories for a few seconds, and continued, "Ah, good times."

Josh, poking Drake's leg with his index finger, interrupted his reverie, "Hello. It's the twenty-first century! I can't believe you still have a double standard for boys and girls."

Drake, patiently reiterated, "Josh, as long as girls can have babies and guys can't, there will always be a double standard."

In disbelief, Josh tried again to reason with his brother. "What you should say is that as long as there are guys who think like you do, there will always be an unfair double standard."

Losing interest in the fight, Drake changed the subject. "When's Mom coming back?"

"Monday night," Josh answered, tactfully letting the other subject die.

"I'm sure tired of eating take-out and Walter's cooking," Drake said. "So, we should have this whole thing sorted out by then and a nice, home-cooked dinner to look forward to."

It was Josh's turn to change the subject. "Now what were you going on about earlier, something about my bedside manner?" he inquired, with raised eyebrows. He added, jokingly, "Ya try and be a nice guy, help a person out . . ."

Drake sat up and pushed Josh's shoulder. "Quit your bitching, 'Doc.' I cancelled my date for tonight because of the chafing. So now _you're_ my date." Drake lifted the hem of his t-shirt and put his hands on his belt buckle. "And I've got this problem with my rod, see, I need you to take a look."

Josh, a little mad, a little amused, answered, "With that attitude, why don't you call Dr. Glazer? While he's doing the work-up, you can ask him to diagnose your terminal case of smart mouth, too." He pushed Drake's shoulder.

With the speed of a striking cobra, Drake lunged at Josh. They rolled off the couch and started wrestling on the floor, like two blurry tumbleweeds.

Josh managed to get a grip on Drake and started playfully smacking Drake's ass, while teasing, "Where's your butt gone, boy? You used to have one. Now you're flat as a pancake." He laughed loudly. "No wonder you have to wear your pants so tight, so they won't fall down."

Drake, mock-angrily, and attempting to wriggle out of Josh's grasp, said warningly, "Oh, that's right. Keep spankin' it up. I know where you live and I know where you're ticklish."

Finally escaping, Drake turned and attacked – "Gah!" - a tornado of tickling fury, until Josh was flat on his back, laughing, wheezing and helpless.

Breathing hard, Josh begged, "Stop! Have mercy! I feel the asthma coming on." After Drake released him, he added, "And by the way, I hate that red t-shirt you have on, it looks too girly." Josh slowly pulled himself into a sitting position on the floor, his back resting against the couch.

"You say the most romantic things," Drake said, amused and chuckling, scooting himself over to sit beside Josh, with his knees up, making his chafe as comfortable as possible, and laying his head on Josh's shoulder.

Josh, also laughing and smiling, replied, while leaning his own head against Drake's, "I guess that's why you love me and keep coming back for more."

CUT! Action resumes on Monday after school at the Premiere, where our sweet heroes prevent Cory's lips from touching any part of their sister. You know the rest. Kung phooey! Ouch!


	3. Chapter 3

HE TOOK OUR PANTS! Part 3 of 3

**Author**: the rubyone

**Word Count:** 4,116

**Rated:** T for Teen / PG implied slash only

**Disclaimer:** Drake and Joshnot owned by me or anyone I know personally!

**Summary:** Three part fiction that "fills in between the scenes" during the Season 4 episode _**Megan's First Kiss.**_

**Spoilers:** Details from the episode _**Megan's First Kiss**_ and from the general Drake and Josh universe

**Author's Note**: Part 3 takes place in the family living room, where Drake and Josh are sitting on the couch, after having been injured by Cory, in the episode _**Megan's First Kiss**_.

HE TOOK OUR PANTS!

Part 3 of 3

Drake and Josh were in too much pain to move. Josh was even in too much pain to talk. They sat on the couch and suffered in silence while Megan was getting them some drinks in the kitchen. Drake's right arm was in a sling. His shirt was torn. He had a bruise above his right eye and more contusions around his mouth, chin and on his left cheek. Josh's left leg was in a cast from the knee down and he had it propped on a pillow on the coffee table. His left eye was blackened and the right side of his mouth was swollen and purple.

The boys heard the sound of the front door opening and then their mother's voice calling out "I'm back! Did anyone miss me?" Walter had gone to pick her up at the airport and he walked in behind her, carrying Audrey's luggage.

Megan ran out of the kitchen to give her mom a hug and a kiss. "We _all_ missed you," Megan told Audrey.

Looking around, Audrey asked, "Where are the boys?"

Drake, who was in too much pain to get up, said, "We're in here. Welcome back! What's for dinner?"

Audrey could only see the tops of the backs of their heads and assumed they were watching television. "I'm kind of tired from my trip. I thought we'd order some pizza."

Drake groaned and whined. "We had pizza twice while you were away. We were really hoping you'd _cook_ something. Please?"

Walter grumbled, "Now don't let him bully you, Audrey. If you don't feel like cooking, we'll be happy with something else." He headed up the steps with her bags.

Audrey came into the living room, so she could hug and kiss the boys, if they wouldn't come to her. Teenaged boys, it was normal for them to feel funny about parental affection. As soon as she saw their faces, she stopped in her tracks. "Oh, my God! Were you in a car accident? What happened?"

Megan ran in from the kitchen, set the drinks on the coffee table, and started telling her mother the series of events which led to her brothers getting hurt, with Drake trying to get in a word or two in support of his version of the events. The expressions on Audrey's face changed from disbelief, to anger, to surprise and then back again to anger.

"What did you say that boy's last name is? I am calling his parents. No. I'm going over there," she tapped her foot and started looking for the student directory in the end table drawer. "WALTER!" she hollered.

Drake said, "While you're over there, can you try and get our stuff back? He's got Josh's clock and my guitar."

Megan and Audrey both said, "WHAT?"

"I'm sorry, Megan, but when we had Cory over here so we could say sorry for wrecking your date, he wanted more than an apology." Drake decided not to mention the pants, after all. He'd rather his mother didn't know about that part.

"You gave him your guitar so he'd go out with me?" asked a surprised Megan. "He just wasn't the boy I thought he was. Believe me, I'll find a way to get even."

Drake shivered in spite of himself. His mother might think it was an empty threat, but he knew Megan was all business in terms of getting revenge.

Walter came into the room, "What is it, honey?" Audrey merely pointed at the boys and Walter got his first glimpse of their torn clothing, facial cuts, bruises, abrasions, contusions, cast and sling. When he heard what had gone down, he was proud that they had tried to avenge their little sister's honor, but he didn't want to condone violence while Audrey was in the room.

Megan had located Cory's address and parents' names in the directory and showed it to her mother. "We're going over there right now, Walter," Audrey informed her husband. "But first . . ."

"But what about dinner?" interrupted a hungry and hurting Drake.

"I'll get you some tacos on the way back," Audrey answered, impatiently.

"Cut lip over here!" Drake reminded her. "And I don't think Josh can eat tacos. He got kicked in the throat."

"Fine. I'll get some Chinese. Josh, could you manage some wonton or egg drop soup?" asked Audrey.

Josh nodded with a slight movement of his head.

"As I was saying, then," Audrey said in a flinty voice. "Megan, did you ask your father's permission before you went to the movies with Cory?"

"I told him I was meeting a friend at the movies and he didn't object," replied Megan, in a lawyerly fashion.

"But did you tell him it was a date, with a boy?" probed Audrey.

"No," admitted Megan. "Well, not until the second time we went to the movies."

"Then you can consider yourself grounded for the next two weeks, young lady," said Audrey, with finality. "I didn't even let Drake starting going on dates until he was 14!" Josh's fingers gripped Drake's left arm.

Turning her attention to Josh and Drake, Audrey then asked, "Have you boys received medical treatment?"

Indicating his sling and Josh's cast, Drake answered for them, "Yes."

Softening her brisk tone, she said, "I am so sorry that you got hurt. I'm glad you were looking out for your sister." Then she toughened up again, "But if Cory _wasn't_ an expert at kung fu, what do you think the outcome would have been? Two high school boys physically attacking a middle school boy – what were you thinking? I want you to know that I do not approve of that decision." Drake and Josh lowered their eyes and looked away from Audrey.

Audrey turned to her husband and said, "Walter. Why didn't you call me when you found out Megan had been on a date? Why did you decide to make the boys fix up that relationship, when they clearly indicated to you that they thought Megan was too young for kissing?"

Walter started getting defensive. He explained, "Megan had a bullhorn. She was angry and upset. My ear was hurting so much I couldn't think. I tried to do what I thought was best. Megan said they'd been exclusive for seven weeks already and it didn't seem fair that the boys screwed it up for her."

"Megan, I forbid you to use a bullhorn on any member of this family. And you can add another week to your punishment, for your seven weeks of sneaking around." Megan stamped her foot and her eyes welled up with angry tears. She stomped off to her bedroom.

Realizing that there were two sets of ears listening to her as she berated their father, Audrey said, "Walter, let's go. We need to go over to Cory's and have a little conversation . . . We can talk more in the car." With that, they were out the door.

Drake was on stun. In disbelief, he said, "Whoa! It scares me when Mom gets like that. I pity anyone who gets in her way!"

With a mighty effort, Josh reached into the end table drawer for a pen and paper. The effort made him bang his leg and he let out a long, low moan. He then scribbled something and handed the tablet to Drake, who accepted it into his left hand.

He squinted and said, "This is hard to read. Does it say 'what if M pranks Mom?'"

Josh's mouth formed the word "yes."

"Oh, you mean because Megan's mad at being punished? She's never retaliated against Mom before. I don't think she'd dare!" Drake patted Josh lightly on his leg. "Can you believe it, Josh? Megan just got grounded for three whole weeks. Even Walter got in trouble. But we're not in trouble!" He smiled to himself and felt the cut on his lip open up. "Ow!" Then he looked at Josh and said, "Dude, you're crying again. Those must be tears of joy." Josh used his hands to carefully brush away his tears. Drake nodded and confirmed, "We have waited for this day so long."

Drake managed to get the remote off the coffee table and handed it to Josh, who still had the use of both hands. Josh clicked onto **America's Funniest Idiots**. The boys watched TV in semi-contented silence, enjoying their triumph, but continually jolted by their aches and pains. Josh sipped some of the limeade that Megan had brought him earlier and helped Drake drink a little, too. It was too citrus-y and hurt their smashed mouths. Drake's stomach was growling more and more frequently and he was happy when he finally heard the garage door opening and knew that his parents had returned with food.

A moment later, he heard Audrey in the kitchen bustling around, dishing up the carry-out food. Through the open panel between the rooms, she told them, "We stopped at the deli near Cory's house to get you some comfort food. I thought you might like some macaroni and cheese, Drake, since that's what you always asked for when you were little and got hurt. Josh, I have some chicken soup for you, but you can have anything else you think you can manage. There's some chocolate pudding for dessert. You boys just stay where you are and I'll bring trays. I'll even feed you, my two battered heroes. After that we'll see about taking your pain meds and getting you comfortable up in your room."

As she was speaking, Walter came in carrying Drake's guitar, Josh's clock and a big black trash bag, which he set down in the living room, next to the couch. When Audrey was finished, Walter informed the boys, "Cory's mother told me these were all the 'gifts' he extorted from you. I'm going to go up and check on Megan. These past few days haven't gone well for her."

Drake whispered to Josh, "Is this the greatest night of our lives or what? We got our stuff back, including our pants, I think." He pushed the bag towards Josh, wanting him to open it, to make sure it was their pants and not a trick. Once the bag was opened, the boys caught a whiff of ammonia. "What the - ? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww," said Drake, with the utmost indignation. "That smells like URINE. That weasel pissed on our pants!" By way of a mute reply, Josh rolled his eyes, and tied the bag shut again.

Drake shouted, "MOM!"

The End


End file.
